Shopping at KMart: The Out-of-Date Loose-Threads Look is IN!!!
by Lisa Crystal Carver
[Reprinted from the depraved-yet-sensible Rollerderby—if you’re going to be silly, you might as well be snappy-silly. Bizarre, scary, amazing. $5/2 issues. LC, P.O. Box 474, Dover, NH 03821.]
The world has come to a sad state when Sandra Bullock is our number one sex symbol. I don’t have anything against the woman, but what is it that all these people have for her? She’s earnest-looking, that’s all. But you don’t have to be plain and frazzled to be earnest, you don’t have to have limp hair. I feel called upon to do my part to stem the rising tide of plain earnestness. I feel I gotta do yet another beauty column. You know, I try to have some scope in Rollerderby, I try to be deep sometimes, but it just always seems to come back to sex and beauty. Well, maybe I’ve been looking at things wrong–maybe sex and beauty are deep. And if not, I don’t care! I gotta talk about it. I can’t fight this feeling anymore…I’ve forgotten what I started fighting for…and if I bring this ship in to the shore, throw away the oar (in other words, go all the way in my beauty/sex fixation and not try to steer myself away into “deeper” waters)…baby I can’t fight this feeling anymore. Or something like that.
I like to browse through the Mexican section of a city. Mexican ladies really know how to titillate: furry hair bows, beading like a ’60s doorway hanging from their bra-like top…makes one want to part the beading to enter the belly, heh, heh. Sometimes I go to fetish shops. The last time, I found, waiting nicely for me beneath the piles of rubber and leather. silver space woman short shorts. And thrift shops are good for interesting items. As for underwear, I definitely suggest going to an underwear store. You won’t be able to find feathered, pearled, silky drawers, intricate brassieres, and stockings that won’t bag like elephant skin after one hour, anywhere but at underwear specialty shops, and the $20 (at least!) per item you’ll pay is well worth it. But for the core of my wardrobe, I go to Kmart.
Kmart is great. All that stuff strewn around aisle after air-conditioned aisle, and the easy listening makes you really feel like you’re shopping. Don’t be daunted by the piles of voluminous clothing in ugly colors. Have some patience and the prizes–like ban dana halter tops–will be yours…for $1.99 each!!! The problem most people have with Kmart clothes is they’re cheaply-made and behind-the-times. But that’s no problem for me! Some of my best friends are cheaply-made and behind-the-times…oh, ho, ho, I crack me up! Actually, that’s true about my friends. Anyway, what do I care if my clothes fall apart after 20 wear ings? I don’ t want to wear the same thing a million times anyway. And if I really love something, I’ll buy three of it– that way I can be seen in it 60 times. And I’ve still paid only six dollars! As for not being fashionable: I think it’s cute to be six months to two years–or more!–behind everybody else. So some gal might look at you in your tight K-mart jumpsuit (pink, with match ing pink bubblegum popping in and out of your pink glossy lips) and think, “God, that outfit is so 1982! And there’s a thread unraveling–can’t she afford anything better?!” But that mean gal’s boyfriend is thinking, “That looks good!” He might even think, “Hm, I sure would like to>
