[Update: “Silent Sports” mag is running this article as a cover story in their March ’06 issue, along with a request for readers to send in pics and stories of their own Duct Tape Olympic contenders!]
[PS: Anyone can feel free to post their own Duct Tape Olympics story in my Reader Remarks forum right here, too!]
The Olympics gets pretty rarified. And well it should. But here’s a lifelong race that anyone can compete—and win—in. …The Duct Tape Olympics!
Each element of this competition is based on actual events. The sum total being a Salute to the Racer with Resourceful Gumption Despite All Odds. Anyone can win a race with great training, genetics, coaching and equipment. In fact, every race has a winner. But true Duct Tape Champions are a breed apart. It’s a race where anyone has a chance but truly few are called and fewer chosen.
Categories: Repair, Mis-Matching, Hygiene, Promptness, Age, Versatility
Point-Scoring Achievements:
* Repairs to equipment. (1/2 point for repaired clothing.) (1/2 point for secondhand gear.) Relative points regarding quality of repair. Duct tape beats epoxy. Nail beats screw. Freshness counts-repair made in parking lot before start gets more points.
* Failure of repairs during event, but still able to finish. Failure to finish = DQ. Unless at maximum distance from road, requiring rescue, then = automatic win.
* Hygenic faults. Extra point if receive complaint about odor while in race. Extra point if contestant notices odor first and inquires of others naively.
* Lateness and very lateness. Points accumulate faster after the sound of the starting gun. Bonus point for waxing skis at sound of gun.
* No bib, missed registration, bandit racing.
* Lack of needed clothing (hat, gloves, underwear, longjohns).
* Misapplied clothing-such as nightclub jacket, jeans and street shoes as race outfit.
* Clothing failure-ski knickers falling down due to worn out waistband, no more drawstring, etc.
* Ancient gear. Items over a decade old gets a point. (Adidas beak-toe ski boots count double.)
* Reckless speed. Bonus point for wasting time gained by speed in a crash due to recklessness, or by getting tired, or getting lost, or by starting way too fast, etc. In car or in event, both count. Drama counts: leading the race for 3 km, then finishing last would scores more points.
* Mooching. Usually to offset forgotten gear. (DQ for forgetting gear and not being able to mooch.)
* Worse placing than others of lesser natural ability. More bizarre finishing place gets more points. Hangovers are useful for scoring in this elite category.
* Hampering others who are trying to get somewhere for an event or an outing. (Staying up until 4 a.m. studying math is one way to make sure this happens.)
* Getting lost or overreaching. (Starting ‘just one more’ long loop or leg at the end of a hard day, in wet clothes, when it’s getting dark.)
* Using untested, new equipment. Extra point if resulting difficulties cost you places. Subtract point if problems don’t hamper.
* Trespassing (sleeping under the bushes at the race headquarters hotel).
* Sleeping in car.
* Dumpster-diving gear (best performance recorded: slumberparty sleeping bag found in trash and rockingchair string-tie cushions used for sleep-pad in sub-zero weather).
* Low-grade wrong food (noodles, tomato paste and refried beans for ‘spaghetti’; licorice and Faygo for ‘carboloading’ and ‘fluid replacement’).
* Eating in unusual public places (cooking dinner in laundrymat).
* Scamming (locating nearest hot tub, shower, free food and floor space as if by sense of smell).
[Note: The following photo by Mike Muha contains slight evidence of several potential Points. Left pole has a splint-patch. Right pole shows signs of duct tape near the handle. Outfit is 30 yrs old. Ski-rig 15 yrs old. Not seen: roofing nail holding binding on; duct tape on gloves. Also, finish discrepancy: started at back because of cracked rib pain, but took 2 Advils, felt no pain and finished 10th.]
